WWE New Year's Revolution 2005
WWE's determination to expand their PPV coverage is impressive only in their blinkered belief that the fans want it as much as they do. The sheer stupidity that festers from any collective fanbase probably raises the profits of the company but it certainly does nothing to improve the quality of the product, which is now further diluted by yet another annual "super card". It's not even so much that they are trying to add another annual event that irks, it's that they are trying to do it in January when any wrestling fan with the money to spare will be looking to buy the Royal Rumble. Why not take the resources available to put on an extra PPV and do it in a leaner month like May, when Raw doesn't have anything else to do? Well, I think they don't... it's getting harder to remember the PPV schedule...
Anyway, here we go and brace yourself because it is not at all pretty...
*WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - ELIMINATION CHAMBER*
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters
This is the sole selling point of the show - the chance to see a glorified gimmicked cage match. There have been three of these things in the past and despite their best efforts to market it as gruelling punishment, none of them have seemed anywhere near as barbaric as straight-up, one-on-one cage matches or Hell in the Cell contests (not to mention the War Games, but we musn't, not without legal representation). It seems they're turning this into a January tradition now (*cough*Rumble*cough*) and after last year's tiresome effort comes the midcard version of it. The simple truth is that Carlito and Masters have no business whatsoever being in a match like this. Kane is playing the role of Token Big Man and will be the last entrant, suitably hurling people around before being eliminated in some hokey fashion. Good for him. Michaels will be out first and charged with holding it all together, which will be something of a difficult task considering the clunky nature of this match. Angle is the only credible contender for Cena's throne that isn't currently sleeping with a member of the McMahon family but winning here does nothing for him after failing seventy-six times in the past three months, particularly since there is nothing 'marquee' for him to do with the belt come WrestleMania. That leaves Cena, who a good portion of the crowd audibly do not want as champion anymore. I don't either and never did in the first place, but at this point they may as well just persist with him for at least a few weeks longer rather than panic and fling the title around like a cereal-box toy as TNA are apt to do. Anybody with an ounce of sense would have Edge using his Money in the Bank contract immediately after this match and winning the belt, but they've failed to do that at any point in the past ten months and there's no reason to believe anything will change now. All in all, this is a massive waste.
Prediction - Cena
*INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE*
Ric Flair vs. Edge
And now for a short interlude whereby WWE books itself into a corner. Flair wound up with the IC title last year in what seems to have been a deliberate effort to give him one more title-tinted spotlight before shuffling him off from wrestling for his own good. Unfortunately, events conspired to make his health much more dubious in a much more public fashion and, after an enjoyable feud with Triple H that had nothing to do with the title at all, he's still the IC champion and there's no good reason why he should be. The belt is meant to be used for younger wrestlers being groomed for the main event, yet Edge is no longer one of those. For crying out loud, he first won this belt back in 1999. They've been trying to groom him for to the main event for nearly a decade now and have been constantly foiled by injuries and apathetic crowds. The closest they got was in 2002, when he could hang with Angle and Hulk Hogan and look like he belonged, but by 2006 Edge is rapidly approaching Lex Luger levels of bridesmaidmania. Yet, even though he is recovered from his latest injury and has a guaranteed title shot, here he is, wasted in an IC title match on a nothing PPV against an opponent who should be legally barred from wrestling for his own good. Taken on it's own merits the match will probably be quite good, but it's certainly going to be hard work to try and find anything to enjoy in it. Hopefully some hokey-booking will ensure that Edge remains free of the IC title he outgrew long ago without damaging his standing for that match against the WWE Champion.
Prediction - DQ
*WOMEN'S TITLE*
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James
Mickie James annoys me more than Trish Stratus pleases me, so I have very little interest in this feud and am not particularly happy about the inevitable result.
Prediction - James
*BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE BIG THINGS AND THINGS THAT ARE BIG*
Triple H vs. The Big Show
Barring any stupidity (Angle wins the title) or originality (Edge wins the title) it seems all but inevitable that Triple H will face John Cena in the main event of WrestleMania XXII. If this transpires to make him into the face that he apparently wanted to be upon his return to Raw late last year, then he may well be the genius that he claims to be. In any event, he spent most of last year losing to Batista and then struggling to beat Flair, so it's time to start making him look credible again. There's nowhere better to start than with The Big Show, who has been busy in recent months throwing so many people around with Kane that the two of them wound up having to go to Smackdown for some fresh victims. They've given Show a hand injury so that he can lose here and still claim shenanigans, while H can gloat over his victory all the way to winning the Rumble and then winning the real world title for the first time since 2002. Pencil in the rematch for Backlash or, if they are really patient, for the inevitable Hell in the Cell at Vengeance.
Prediction - H
*WHEN REASON DOES NOT EXIST - INVENT*
Gregory Helms vs. Jerry Lawler
It comes to something when stopping a phoney superhero act can actually hinder a wrestling career rather than help it but, well, Helms is defying all expectations now. There is no reason in the world for this match to exist other than getting the possibly reunited 3 Minute Warning back on screen... but then there is no reason for them to want to help either man win beyond Rosey getting pissed off at the former Hurricane. Even then, the only reason behing bringing 3MW back seems to be having a team who could look marginally convincing in getting the tag titles off of Kane and Show... All in all, what the fuck?
Prediction - Helms
*BRA AND PANTIES GAUNTLET*
Maria vs. Ashley vs. Victoria vs. Candice vs. Torrie
Yes, my interest is missing in action. It only comes back when my brain is missing. Gosh, aren't we pretty. Please hire us, Vince. Please, we know how to remove clothing quickly. Titter, titter, giggle, FUCK OFF.
Prediction - Maria
Anyway, here we go and brace yourself because it is not at all pretty...
*WWE CHAMPIONSHIP - ELIMINATION CHAMBER*
John Cena vs. Kurt Angle vs. Shawn Michaels vs. Kane vs. Carlito vs. Chris Masters
This is the sole selling point of the show - the chance to see a glorified gimmicked cage match. There have been three of these things in the past and despite their best efforts to market it as gruelling punishment, none of them have seemed anywhere near as barbaric as straight-up, one-on-one cage matches or Hell in the Cell contests (not to mention the War Games, but we musn't, not without legal representation). It seems they're turning this into a January tradition now (*cough*Rumble*cough*) and after last year's tiresome effort comes the midcard version of it. The simple truth is that Carlito and Masters have no business whatsoever being in a match like this. Kane is playing the role of Token Big Man and will be the last entrant, suitably hurling people around before being eliminated in some hokey fashion. Good for him. Michaels will be out first and charged with holding it all together, which will be something of a difficult task considering the clunky nature of this match. Angle is the only credible contender for Cena's throne that isn't currently sleeping with a member of the McMahon family but winning here does nothing for him after failing seventy-six times in the past three months, particularly since there is nothing 'marquee' for him to do with the belt come WrestleMania. That leaves Cena, who a good portion of the crowd audibly do not want as champion anymore. I don't either and never did in the first place, but at this point they may as well just persist with him for at least a few weeks longer rather than panic and fling the title around like a cereal-box toy as TNA are apt to do. Anybody with an ounce of sense would have Edge using his Money in the Bank contract immediately after this match and winning the belt, but they've failed to do that at any point in the past ten months and there's no reason to believe anything will change now. All in all, this is a massive waste.
Prediction - Cena
*INTERCONTINENTAL TITLE*
Ric Flair vs. Edge
And now for a short interlude whereby WWE books itself into a corner. Flair wound up with the IC title last year in what seems to have been a deliberate effort to give him one more title-tinted spotlight before shuffling him off from wrestling for his own good. Unfortunately, events conspired to make his health much more dubious in a much more public fashion and, after an enjoyable feud with Triple H that had nothing to do with the title at all, he's still the IC champion and there's no good reason why he should be. The belt is meant to be used for younger wrestlers being groomed for the main event, yet Edge is no longer one of those. For crying out loud, he first won this belt back in 1999. They've been trying to groom him for to the main event for nearly a decade now and have been constantly foiled by injuries and apathetic crowds. The closest they got was in 2002, when he could hang with Angle and Hulk Hogan and look like he belonged, but by 2006 Edge is rapidly approaching Lex Luger levels of bridesmaidmania. Yet, even though he is recovered from his latest injury and has a guaranteed title shot, here he is, wasted in an IC title match on a nothing PPV against an opponent who should be legally barred from wrestling for his own good. Taken on it's own merits the match will probably be quite good, but it's certainly going to be hard work to try and find anything to enjoy in it. Hopefully some hokey-booking will ensure that Edge remains free of the IC title he outgrew long ago without damaging his standing for that match against the WWE Champion.
Prediction - DQ
*WOMEN'S TITLE*
Trish Stratus vs. Mickie James
Mickie James annoys me more than Trish Stratus pleases me, so I have very little interest in this feud and am not particularly happy about the inevitable result.
Prediction - James
*BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE BIG THINGS AND THINGS THAT ARE BIG*
Triple H vs. The Big Show
Barring any stupidity (Angle wins the title) or originality (Edge wins the title) it seems all but inevitable that Triple H will face John Cena in the main event of WrestleMania XXII. If this transpires to make him into the face that he apparently wanted to be upon his return to Raw late last year, then he may well be the genius that he claims to be. In any event, he spent most of last year losing to Batista and then struggling to beat Flair, so it's time to start making him look credible again. There's nowhere better to start than with The Big Show, who has been busy in recent months throwing so many people around with Kane that the two of them wound up having to go to Smackdown for some fresh victims. They've given Show a hand injury so that he can lose here and still claim shenanigans, while H can gloat over his victory all the way to winning the Rumble and then winning the real world title for the first time since 2002. Pencil in the rematch for Backlash or, if they are really patient, for the inevitable Hell in the Cell at Vengeance.
Prediction - H
*WHEN REASON DOES NOT EXIST - INVENT*
Gregory Helms vs. Jerry Lawler
It comes to something when stopping a phoney superhero act can actually hinder a wrestling career rather than help it but, well, Helms is defying all expectations now. There is no reason in the world for this match to exist other than getting the possibly reunited 3 Minute Warning back on screen... but then there is no reason for them to want to help either man win beyond Rosey getting pissed off at the former Hurricane. Even then, the only reason behing bringing 3MW back seems to be having a team who could look marginally convincing in getting the tag titles off of Kane and Show... All in all, what the fuck?
Prediction - Helms
*BRA AND PANTIES GAUNTLET*
Maria vs. Ashley vs. Victoria vs. Candice vs. Torrie
Yes, my interest is missing in action. It only comes back when my brain is missing. Gosh, aren't we pretty. Please hire us, Vince. Please, we know how to remove clothing quickly. Titter, titter, giggle, FUCK OFF.
Prediction - Maria
posted by Thed at 16:38
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